Anger is good and all, but not very productive.
So, I decided to channel the anger I have toward X to identifying the things that I don't have to deal with anymore now that he is a past era in my life. I feel much better now. No, don't worry, I'm still mighty pissed at his immature behavior. However, it's always good (and one of the joys of getting older) to realize that you just don't have to do certain things any more.
1) I no longer have to expect phone calls at 6:00am any day of the week.
His crazy family (more on them below) have extremely disfunctional social skills. They think nothing of calling at the crack of dawn on a Saturday or Sunday morning. They see nothing wrong with this. In fact, they are taken aback in complete shock if you so much as mention that you would prefer they call at a more proper hour. As far as they're concerned, that is the proper hour. Of course, if you should happen to call them at 8:00pm, you will be dressed down for calling so late. I now only have to deal with my family, who have consideration for others and would never call that early or object to a phone call in the early evening.
2) I don't have to defer to his mother and sister any more.
As I think I mentioned above, X's family is crazy. Literally, I mean. Mentally ill. His mother and sister are so nuts that I have had to defer to them for years just so they won't go off the deep end. You cannot disagree with them. You cannot possibly do anything better than them. Any plans you have with X must be cancelled if they have the slightest need for his physical presence. You must toe the line or you will pay. First, they vehemently argue with you. Then, they start with screaming telephone calls to ream you out for having your own opinons. If you don't do as they wish, they get so stressed that their blood sugar levels go wacko, their hearts palpitate, and a trip to the emergency room becomes necessary. Then you have to spend the next six months being blamed for putting them in the hospital. And besides, you're not married to X, so you don't count anyway.
3) I don't have to eat his mother's lousy cooking any more.
My mother was a fine cook. She taught all four of the girls in our family her love for cooking and preparing food. In a family of fine cooks, I am the most adventurous. I will try almost any dish and I cannot think of an instance in which it wasn't perfect and in which I didn't subsequently experiment with it with even greater results. I am truly creative in this arena and find great joy in preparing a great meal.
That's why I'm so thrilled to not have to eat Mrs. X's gruel. Vegetables from cans. The only known seasonings are salt and pepper. No poultry because the deceased Mr. X didn't like poultry, so no one else was allowed to have it either (in 18 years, I never ate turkey for any holiday, even Thanksgiving). Well-done is the only possible level of doneness for meat of any type. Lasagna made with Ragu (and not even one of the fancier ones, just the plain original). Garlic is an enemy. Denny's, King's Family Restaurant, Eat'n'Park, and Bob Evans are vastly preferable dining experiences than any dark, candlelit fine dining establishment because, not only do you get a lot of food, but you can be in and out in half an hour.
4) Speaking of food and X's mother's cooking, I can eat my favorite comfort foods again: meatloaf, roast beef, and stuffed peppers. I haven't eaten any of these things for years. Why, you ask? Well, X hates those foods. Not that he ever tasted how I could cook them. He hates them simply based on his mother's horrible versions. No matter how much I begged him to let me make them my way and he would see how good they could be, he refused to touch them. Now I can eat them to my heart's delight.
5) I no longer have to clean shaving stubble out of the bathroom sink every morning.
In fact, I barely have to clean the bathroom at all. Since this is my most hated household chore, this is all good.
6) I am not being smacked on the ass (often when it is bare and wet) every single morning of my life.
I know he thought this was some weird sort of compliment, but I never liked it. I'm all for a little playful spanking in the right context, but this just felt borderline sexist. Kind of like what you'd do to a good mare or something. It felt yucky.
7) I am suddenly not fat.
In the 18 years we were together, I went from a size 4 to a size 8. I also went from late twenties to mid/late forties. Not bad considering the forces of age and gravity. But, to X, I was fat and that was enough to convince me.
Both Mo and TR, in addition to numerous single men I know and who now feel they can venture an opinion on the subject, have most emphatically told me I have a great body. That might be more than a little hyperbole, but I'm starting to believe it a little bit.
8) I can buy shoes without hiding them in my trunk before I sneak them in the house when he's not home.
Woman + new shoes = ecstasy. Does any man understand this? Well, I know gay men who do, but that's not who I'm talking about here. Of course, when you wear those fabulous new fuck me shoes, the criticism goes out the window. But not all shoes are fuck me shoes and I still love those, too. And it's not just shoes, either. It's clothes (he only gave new Victoria's Secret lingerie a thumbs up; any other clothing purchases were frivolous), home furnishings (why would you possibly need new sheets, towels, quilts, lamps, or whatever?), and books (the most educated man I've ever known who I have never seen pick up a book for pleasure nor does he understand why anyone else would).
9) I can watch as much reality tv as I want.
Nothing made him crazier than this. He hates reality tv. He pretty much hates tv period (his only exceptions are "Lost," the History Channel, and certain sports like football, baseball, and hockey). He always blamed my being fat on my tv watching and said that it rotted my brain. This, despite the fact that I had to edit everything he ever wrote (even thank you notes. And we won't even go into who actually wrote his master's thesis.), that I am much more informed on current affairs in the social and political arena, science, and economics. And my habit of watching tv with a book in my lap for the commercials was just decadent in his eyes. Whatever. Despite his claims to anyone who would listen that my tv addiction was a just one of the many symptoms of my stupidity, pretty much everyone we know would attest to my intellectual superiority. I can now rot my brain all I want.
10) I no longer have to explain to people that even though X often said deprecating things about me in public, when we were alone, he told me I was beautiful and sexy.
Many of my friends have now told me that they were often uncomfortable with the way X spoke of me, usually in my presence. I always blew it off as he's just being a tough guy, that he doesn't want me to get complacent about my looks, that he's just kidding. And I told stories about the extravagant compliments he would give me when it was just the two of us. Now that I am out of it, I can see what they saw. It was borderline verbal abuse. Always said with a smile and with humor in his voice, but still...not what nice guys do. My dad, married to my mom through fifty years and six kids, would tell anyone who would listen that my mother was the most beautiful woman ever. Even when she was dying of bone cancer and looked horrible, he made no secret of his adoration for her. From now on, if I can't have that? I don't want anything at all.
