The Two Faces of Me

It struck me last night that I am two completely different people.

The first me is the one that is most often on display. The one that I want the world to see. And, for the most part, the only one it does see. I'll call me GEG in this persona. GEG is known to be intelligent. Many friends and acquaintances would call GEG an intellectual. GEG is very well- spoken, with a large vocabulary she doesn't mind using and no trace of the parochial Beaver County/Western PA accent or dialect. GEG is also very well-read, devouring everything from serious political analysis, history, philosophy, and biography to classic literature, modern novels, and historical fiction and on to mysteries, thrillers, and popular fiction. GEG has been known to use her formidable memory and wide exposure to ideas to intimidate others, not as widely read, who would challenge her.

GEG also knows that she is well-respected professionally. She is well-known in local educational circles and is considered to be a go-to expert in her field. Her academic credentials are impeccable. Everyone she has ever worked with respects her abilities. GEG is an excellent, informative, friendly, and humorous presenter. She is very at ease with public speaking and has a knack for making complex ideas and procedures understandable. GEG is a consummate professional.

GEG is a confident physical presence as well. She is not tall but people often think she is. GEG is considered a bit edgy in her style for her age and her environment. GEG has a severely short hairdo and a highly tailored professional wardrobe that tends toward some younger skewing labels like Tommy Hilfiger, i.e., and Nine West. She is relatively thin and is not afraid to pair professional pieces with good trendy pieces to stand out from the typical local professional woman in her small fiefdom. People notice her.

GEG is a little bit scary. She doesn't give up much of herself to others. People see her as very self-contained, self-confident, maybe a little bit self-absorbed. She can have a biting sense of humor and some would tell you she is a total bitch. And she wouldn't necessarily be insulted by that. She is not someone most people will fuck with and she likes it that way. Men like her and not just because they might find her attractive (although that helps). She's a guy's girl. GEG is knowledgeable about a lot of things men like: politics, business and finance, music, and sports. Especially sports. She can drink with the guys and often does. Most women don't really like her much. And that doesn't bother her.

Then there is the other me. Geggy. Only a few people in the whole world know her: the sisters and brothers-in-law, X, Randy, one or two girlfriends, and now you. She's actually pretty shy and unsure of herself. She is somewhat of an introvert. She thinks way too much. She is timid and afraid to act. She often sabotages herself through procrastination. She's sure she's fat no matter how often she is told the contrary. She feels like a pretender much of the time and is terrified someone is going to figure it out soon. She sometimes spends an inordinate amount of time cataloging her flaws and flaying herself for those flaws. Geggy is afraid to be alone because she thinks she is getting old and is terrified that she will be alone forever. This often drives her to make poor personal choices. She puts herself into situations in which she is bound to be hurt and thus fulfill her own prophesies. Geggy thinks being intellectual is pretty useless when she is so often stupid in her personal life. She is relentlessly hard on herself and is spectacularly lacking in self-confidence. She is constantly comparing herself to other women and finding herself falling short. She is soft-hearted, cries alone and often, and is easily depressed. She uses alcohol as liquid courage and then regrets it because it so often leads her to do stupid things. She sees herself as GEG and wishes she was really like that.

You would think that by my age, I would have found a way to integrate these two diametrically opposed pieces of myself. I haven't. I'm not sure I can. But maybe the first step is recognizing the two sides of me. And I have, at least, managed to see that.

Running in Place

Okay, I'm here by popular demand.

Well, not really. I'm not THAT popular. Actually, it was just one person telling me that I haven't been here for a while. And I haven't. So...here I am.

Where have I been, you ask?

Well, work has been insane. Technically, I am the campus student aid officer. But I am also a member of the enrollment management team and, since we have been without two and one half admissions counselors,...well, guess who gets to pick up the slack? Not that I'm very good at it. I don't have the sales mentality you need to be an admissions counselor. Not to mention that, from what I've seen in my years in this field, I am much too old to be doing admissions. Being older and commanding respect is a good thing in the financial aid business. Being older and not speaking the same language is most definitely not a good thing in the admissions business. I'm glad that two new and young admissions counselors have been hired and I can't wait until they know how to do their jobs.

It's also an extremely busy time of year for me as a financial aid officer at a public university. You may wonder why, since people can't even apply for aid until after the new year. But public universities have, as part of their mission, a desire to make their employees work a ridiculous number of hours in a day several days a week, and call it community service. At my campus, this is defined as having the student aid officer provide financial aid nights at as many local high schools as possible without any mention of extra pay (What do you mean? You're salary!) or even comp time (ditto previous parenthetical phrases). So from mid-October through mid-February, I am on the road 2 to 3 nights or Saturdays per week, spreading the happy financial aid news all across the land (or at least, Western Pennsylvania).

And then there are the numerous campus admissions functions I am required to attend during this, the peak of college recruitment season. From mid-September through mid-April, I have 1 or 2 evenings or Saturdays during which I must be available for one of these recruitment events.

So, put all together, my work week (stipulated in my employment contract) of 45-50 hours per week increases this time of year to about 65 or 80. So I can blame a large part of my recent absence on my job, which has me too fucking tired for self-reflection (or belly-button gazing, as my sister so elegantly puts it).

The other reason is that the rest of my life seems to be in a holding pattern. I go out every Friday, get drunk, and get maudlin. I regret it every Saturday. I go out every Sunday (or Monday) for the Steeler game and do the same thing. Randy calls me from Florida every couple of days. Mo has been playing hard to get and I don't have the patience for it. TR is still in Philly, still text messaging and emailing, but not here yet.

And X...oh, X. Still blaming me. Still not letting me go. Still fucking me. And I let him. I don't know what to do about this. I can't seem to stop. And neither can he.

I thought that, since this seems to be what is going to happen, we should just act like we're dating at least. I asked him if he'd like to come over for dinner. He said he had plans with his mom for the night I mentioned. When I next spoke to him, he said he thought it felt weird to talk about having dinner together (What? We had dinner together almost every night for 18 years!!!!). He said he was going to a conference this week but would be back on Thursday or Friday. He said he'd call and we would have to talk about this. I don't know how to take that. I'm just sort of in a holding pattern until we talk. I'm just circling and circling over the runways, waiting for word as to which one I should take.

We shall see what we shall see. In the meantime, I have to get ready for a financial aid night tonight.