Running in Place

Okay, I'm here by popular demand.

Well, not really. I'm not THAT popular. Actually, it was just one person telling me that I haven't been here for a while. And I haven't. So...here I am.

Where have I been, you ask?

Well, work has been insane. Technically, I am the campus student aid officer. But I am also a member of the enrollment management team and, since we have been without two and one half admissions counselors,...well, guess who gets to pick up the slack? Not that I'm very good at it. I don't have the sales mentality you need to be an admissions counselor. Not to mention that, from what I've seen in my years in this field, I am much too old to be doing admissions. Being older and commanding respect is a good thing in the financial aid business. Being older and not speaking the same language is most definitely not a good thing in the admissions business. I'm glad that two new and young admissions counselors have been hired and I can't wait until they know how to do their jobs.

It's also an extremely busy time of year for me as a financial aid officer at a public university. You may wonder why, since people can't even apply for aid until after the new year. But public universities have, as part of their mission, a desire to make their employees work a ridiculous number of hours in a day several days a week, and call it community service. At my campus, this is defined as having the student aid officer provide financial aid nights at as many local high schools as possible without any mention of extra pay (What do you mean? You're salary!) or even comp time (ditto previous parenthetical phrases). So from mid-October through mid-February, I am on the road 2 to 3 nights or Saturdays per week, spreading the happy financial aid news all across the land (or at least, Western Pennsylvania).

And then there are the numerous campus admissions functions I am required to attend during this, the peak of college recruitment season. From mid-September through mid-April, I have 1 or 2 evenings or Saturdays during which I must be available for one of these recruitment events.

So, put all together, my work week (stipulated in my employment contract) of 45-50 hours per week increases this time of year to about 65 or 80. So I can blame a large part of my recent absence on my job, which has me too fucking tired for self-reflection (or belly-button gazing, as my sister so elegantly puts it).

The other reason is that the rest of my life seems to be in a holding pattern. I go out every Friday, get drunk, and get maudlin. I regret it every Saturday. I go out every Sunday (or Monday) for the Steeler game and do the same thing. Randy calls me from Florida every couple of days. Mo has been playing hard to get and I don't have the patience for it. TR is still in Philly, still text messaging and emailing, but not here yet.

And X...oh, X. Still blaming me. Still not letting me go. Still fucking me. And I let him. I don't know what to do about this. I can't seem to stop. And neither can he.

I thought that, since this seems to be what is going to happen, we should just act like we're dating at least. I asked him if he'd like to come over for dinner. He said he had plans with his mom for the night I mentioned. When I next spoke to him, he said he thought it felt weird to talk about having dinner together (What? We had dinner together almost every night for 18 years!!!!). He said he was going to a conference this week but would be back on Thursday or Friday. He said he'd call and we would have to talk about this. I don't know how to take that. I'm just sort of in a holding pattern until we talk. I'm just circling and circling over the runways, waiting for word as to which one I should take.

We shall see what we shall see. In the meantime, I have to get ready for a financial aid night tonight.