Crack

I was watching "Sex in the City" last night. It was the episode where Carrie falls into bed with Big while Aidan is out of town delivering furniture. Great insight into the chemistry of relationships and how the laws of attraction can be so confusing.

Of course, I had seen this episode before. But the parameters of my life were different then. The last time I watched it, I felt that I understood and sympathized with Carrie intellectually, but thought I'd never find myself in her position. I had my man, who I loved, and I didn't really need anything or anyone else. Not my problem.

Well, things have changed. I watched with new eyes last night.

Aidan...well, he's fantastic. Sigh! He's a little shaggy, but fantastically good-looking. He's a carpenter and good with his hands. He and Carrie have great sex and are playful and affectionate with each other. He's soulful and truly wants to care for her. She feels secure in his affection and attraction.

It dawned on me that Mo is my Aidan. He wears his hair a little long, but he is very handsome and has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen on a man. When he gives me that sleepy kind of look, I'm a puddle. He has an outdoorsy, physical career as the head groundskeeper for an exclusive golf course and country club. He's fun in bed and can spend hours with me there, loving, laughing, and talking. He likes to touch me and he's gentle, which is very sexy in a man who is 6'2". I know that he wants me. He's wanted me for 20 years. When my relationship with X died, it's almost as if there was some sort of wire connecting us and the current let him know I was ready.

I'm secure and warm with Mo.

Big is a different animal altogether. Tall, dark, handsome, and sophisticated. Well-educated and professional. When Carrie and Big are in bed, it's intense, sweaty, and overwhelming. He's hard to pin down, but cannot resist his desire for her despite every effort. She is completely helpless to resist him. Nothing about this relationship is secure, except for the fact that they have memorable, addicting, and wild sex.

TR is my Big. He, too, is tall (6'4") and darkly handsome. He likes wine, art, and beautifully cut suits. He's a grad of my employer and the project manager for a large automatic door company. When he looks at me, it's almost like he's a bird of prey and I'm the prey. Sex with him, whether on the phone, by text message, or in person, is titanic. It's dark, dangerous, and elaborate. It feels forbidden, hypnotic, and just a little bit dirty. The things he says and does to me keep me electrified for days. He's too young for me, I'm too old for him, and the distance between us isn't all geographic. We have to keep our fascination with one another a secret from almost everyone because of all of the complications it presents. I can't get him out of my mind and I can't stop the effect he has on me. I'm addicted to how he makes me feel.

If Carrie is an addict for Big, then so am I for TR.

TR is my crack.