Ch-ch-ch-changes

Some of the events of this past weekend have left me contemplating change. And the nature of change.

My Steelers lost a game they absolutely should have won against those hated Patriots and, especially, the detestable Tom Brady. By three lousy points, no less. A large part of this loss was due to stupid mistakes and penalties. I was completely speechless that a team that was largely unchanged from one year to the next could go from nearly flawless play to almost total ineptitude. The offensive line was riddled with holes. Ben scrambled on almost every play and getting out of the pocket was pretty much impossible. The defense started hot, but allowed too many Brady passes too many times. And Randle-El? What the hell was that? He fucked up as many times in one game yesterday as he did the whole last season. I was horrified. And wondering how, when the personnel essentially remained the same, this team had transformed into the one I had just watched.

I witnessed a much happier transition this past week that illustrated for me the positive results change can bring. Anyone who has been around me this summer knows that I have been mesmerized by that bastard Mark Burnett's "Rock Star: INXS." It's the anti-American Idol. It has people with actual talent. Not just singers, but musicians who write, arrange, market, and perform. And it's not stupid pop songs (I can deal with some pop, but spare me the Celine and that ilk). Music by Nirvana, Franz Ferdinand, the Killers, Squeeze, David Bowie, Pink Floyd, Queen, Foo Fighters, Rolling Stones, Bob Marley...it was a feast for the ears. With the top drawer production values and brilliantly manipulative editing for which Darth Burnett is justly lauded, this show to choose the new lead singer for INXS was an exceptional ride leading up to an immensely satisfying ending. The final five singers were all vastly talented veteran musicians who, no matter the show result, got great international exposure and an invaluable seminar in being a rock musician. Despite the massive amount of talent arrayed, there was only one perfect choice and JD Fortune won the spot. All I saw on the show, all I've read online, and all I've seen on TV since indicates to me that this is a change that will be and has already been good for all involved. It's encouraging to witness such positive change and I, for one, will be buying the new INXS CD to add to my INXS collection.

I met Mo for a drink Friday night. It's been essentially 20 years since we were together with no one between us. He hasn't changed at all and he's changed immensely. The old chemistry is definitely still there. I knew that going in simply because every time I've run into him in the past 20 years, it was still there even in the most awkward (I was with the X) and mundane situations (in line at the donut shop). But I forgot how intense that could be. I felt rather than saw him walk into the bar. It was like a movie. I turned, he saw me, and the crowd of friends I was with just melted away. Or faded away. Or were intimidated away. Because he walked up to me and just basically deliberately blocked my view of anyone else. And that's when I saw how he had changed.

I was always the one in control in our past relationship. I controlled when and if he saw me. I controlled how far our relationship would go. I controlled it all and he let me. He let the whole thing be about me, from where we would go to what happened in bed. I could see right away that he wasn't going to let that happen this time. He was very intense and a little aloof (contradictory, I know!). He wouldn't leave and go to another bar to talk (I can now see the mistake of meeting him at the Corner Grill. X is going to get an earful). He wouldn't let me reliquish eye contact with him. When we did finally leave, he would only come to my place. He controlled everything that happened there, from when and where we would touch to when he would leave. He insisted on getting all my phone numbers. And this is where I got a secret little thrill: he refused to give me his. He just looked at me and said, "This time, I get to be the one in control."

Which brings me around to how I've changed just in the past couple of weeks. I actually enjoyed having him be so assertive. I think I may even understand it a bit. All of this time with X, I wanted it to work so much and I was so afraid of not being what he wanted, that I tried to hold it all together through sheer will power. Eighteen years of clinging on for dear life had left me feeling that I had no control over my own life. And I didn't because I gave him all the power. Now that I have let all of that go, I feel I have control of my own fate and I'm liking it. And because I feel good about my direction, I can surrender a little and find it thrilling. Giving up the need to control has led to being more in control which has led, in turn, to a willingness to let go.

What a weekend! Oh, and TR called again last night. I was out of control.

Change is good.