Perhaps Forever

Wow. Just wow.

He's making an awfully big push. He took a day off of a week long business trip to his main campus in Erie. He's doing it to see me. He'd have been here like a shot if I'd given him any signal at all when he called tonight.

He says he thinks about me all the time. He's been saying that for months but he says it more and more often. I keep trying to tell him about all my faults. He won't listen. I keep bringing up all my interests that seem to turn off other men...like, oh, politics, history, reading, film, and, well, pretty much everything except music and sports. And we discover more and more in common. And, though he's older and just as educated, he seems to feel as if I know more about more things than he does.

It's immensely flattering. And, I admit, I could enjoy that for a very long time. Perhaps forever.

But...

Oh, always the but.

But still...

• He lives in Florida. I don't and I never will.
• He doesn't really know me. He thinks he does. But he doesn't. Right now, for some reason, he's idealizing me. Which just proves my point.
• My sister warned me to be careful with him. And then never really explained to my satisfaction what she meant by that. Since she and I rarely mince words with each other, that probably means trouble of some kind. Could be he's psycho in some way that is not yet apparent. Or it could be that she had some sort of flirtation with him (after all, she did introduce us all those years ago) and is now pissed at this turn of events. It certainly wouldn't be the first time the two of us clashed over a man.
• He's got three kids. And not even real kids. He's got...teenagers! One of them a teenage girl! I can't imagine anything worse. *shudder*
• He has rather strong Christian convictions. He doesn't push it on me. At least, not yet. Mainly because I've made it clear how I feel about that. But I don't trust that to last should this become something one could characterize as a "relationship." Which brings me to the most important point.
• I don't want to be in a relationship. I'm pretty comfortable and happy with things in my life as they stand right now. I don't want anything to change. In fact, I think I'd be perfectly happy to live just as I am for a very long time. Perhaps forever.

I'm starting to worry that I may inadvertently hurt his feelings. Or that I'll be forced into hurting his feelings on purpose. I'm afraid he's beginning to want more than I want to give.

To anyone.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope he's just thinking he has to act this way so we will keep having fabulous wild monkey sex. If so, he'll eventually get me and stop it. And we can keep doing what we're doing.

For a very long time. Perhaps forever.

Glad to Know I'm Not the Only One

So...I want to post something more interesting than that little spate of negativity in my life today you can find below.

And what better way to get out of a negative state of mind than sex? I certainly can't think of any.

Just so I can give proper attibution, the link to the article that set me off on this little tangent is here:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2003/06/030613075252.htm

One of the things that has been much on my mind lately is the idea of experimentation. Heaven knows, I've been doing enough of it lately with Ron and Lee. And what I've learned is that all the old hangups I used to have are just stupid. I used to be afraid to try certain things or I convinced myself I didn't like certain things I'd never even tried. The consequences of that are that I didn't enjoy lovemaking as much or as fully as I should. The lesson I've taken away is to relax about how it may look or what other people may think (like I ever really discussed it with anyone!) about the things you do in bed. And to not dismiss anything out of hand because you'd be surprised at what sounds horrible but actually feels wonderful.

But I haven't quite gotten beyond all my hangups. So I've been doing a little research on one thing I've been contemplating. Not that I'm sure I actually want to do it, but because I have recently found myself aroused by the idea of it and wondered where it was coming from. And I think the article I've linked sort of gives me an explanation and a way to feel non-conflicted about the feeling. It's biological and it's apparently normal for a woman. Whew!

Let me set the stage a little. I've always been a fan of erotic literature. I own a small but excellent collection of books and short story compilations of erotic fiction. I have the older classics such as Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley's Lover, and The Satyricon. I also have more modern works such as Ulysses, The Story of O, Delta of Venus, and Lolita. And even more contemporary works are on my erotica shelf, including Nine Weeks and The Sleeping Beauty trilogy. I have several compilations of erotic novellas and literally dozens of compilations of erotic short stories, several of which are written by women specifically for women. It is this last that has recently both intrigued and repelled me.

What I've found is a tendency in erotica written by women for women to have relatively equal measures of heterosexual and homosexual imagery. And that the homosexual imagery includes not just woman/woman imagery (which would make sense because it would appeal to gay women) but male/male, also.

Now, in the past, I would just skip over any homosexual parts in anything I was reading. I figured, I'm not gay so I can't possibly get aroused by that. And I totally didn't get why there would be any male/male stuff in there at all. However, since undergoing therapy, I have tried to open myself up to new experiences and recently began reading these stories. Surprise! I find it just as hot as the hetero stuff, sometimes even more so. And I wasn't totally comfortable with those feelings, which led me to do some research and to the cited article.

Which leads me back to what I'm contemplating. I know I'm not gay and I'm not interested in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship strictly with a woman. But I do find myself fantasizing about having sex with both a man and a woman. Or two men. But preferably one of each. I'm starting to think I could relax and enjoy being with a woman in that scenario. And, heaven knows, I'm curious about what it would be like to be with a woman. If nothing else, the learning curve surely wouldn't be as steep. I'm still sufficiently freaked out enough by this fantasy to know that if I ever act on it, I will have to be more than a little bit drunk. But there are a couple of couples I know out there who, I think, wouldn't scoff at the idea. I don't know that I will ever act on this impulse. And I certainly won't be the one to propose it. But I'm not sure what I'll do if it is proposed to me.

But I am glad that I am open enough with myself these days to actually read the stories, try to discover why I was feeling the way I felt, and to actually contemplate such a thing. It's just one more sign for me that I had too many boundaries and too many taboos. It's one more set of shackles I've managed to unlock and one more step toward being the free spirit I've always aspired and believed myself to be.

Bully Girls

Look...I'm addressing this to people who know who they are. Most of you, my bloggy friends, can just ignore this because it is not addressed to you. You can just ignore this whole post.

But for those who know who they are:

You don't like me.

I don't care.

You seem to feel a need to put me down in public.

I ignore you most of the time.

But the last two days have strained my patience.

I don't talk to you or about you.

Don't talk to or about me.

And we'll all get along fine.

If you're jealous, get over it. If I annoy you, ignore me. If you find me crude, pay no attention.

Continued provocation will not get rid of me. I'm pretty even-keeled and happy go lucky. But not when provoked.

Enough already.

Multiples

Foreplay: 1

First time: 4

Second time: 3

That Ron. What a date.

Drifting

• After one of the warmest winters with the least precipitation on record, the other shoe has finally dropped. The predicted snow, which finally began around 4am Tuesday, dropped well over an inch by the time I was dressing for work at 7:15am. By 7:30, my campus had closed, giving me an unexpected day off. This is only the second time in my almost 10 years here that staff did not have to report due to weather. As I write this at home in the afternoon to post here when I can get back to my computer, we are predicted to get anywhere 5-10 inches by the time this storm end at 6pm Wednesday (should kill Valentine's Day!). In addition to the accumulation, afternoon temperature increases will lay down a layer of ice and sleet. This will make me crazy because of the difficulty of keeping the treacherous staircase to my apartment clear enough to navigate without fear of breaking my neck. But it makes me happy in that I live in a small town which is easily navigable for short distances by car and the entire town on foot, should need be. The convenience of such a small town in such circumstances was made abundantly clear to me during the great blizzard of 1993. I love this town. Update: Well, I got a second unexpected day off on Wednesday. Seems the ice didn't show up until after midnight and by morning there was at least an inch of ice on top of the 6-7 inches of snow that got topped off in the morning by another inch or two. It took me from 7am until 3pm to get my stairs navigable and my car out of its thick shell of ice. And with temperatures in the single digits, it was slow progress all the way. But they tell me it will be in the high 40s to low 50s within the next two weeks. If this is how winter is going to be, I can take it.
• I've never heard of this happening to anyone else, but I am having a major skin emergency from sampling some makeup. After hearing and/or reading numerous endorsements from IRL and online friends about Bare Minerals makeup, I finally broke down and bought some to try. I first tried the eye shadow and, although it seemed a bit sloppy to use, I liked how it went on and how it looked. In fact, I was so pleased that I decided to try the foundation. After moisturizing heavily due to my dry skin, I dusted on the foundation as the directions indicated. It went on fine and covered well but my face very quickly felt as if I had used pancake or Kabuki makeup. Despite the weird feeling, I wore it all day and then raced home to wash my face as quickly as I could. After some discussion with BM devotees, I decided to try again. So that Friday night, I put it on again to go to the Grill. By Monday morning, I had three gigantic eruptions on my face. And not pimple-type eruptions but huge bumps that are more reminiscent of boils than pimples or even hives. I immediately assumed it had to be the makeup since I am using the same old facial cleanser and moisturizer as always. And a trip to the dermatologist comfirmed my suspicions. It's not an allergy, though. It's just not the right kind of makeup for me. The doctor told me that I should never use powder foundation, only liquid, because it just gets into my pores and clogs them beyond all repair. A week and a half later, I still have them. They hurt, they don't come to a head, and they are extremely unsightly. I've taken to promising the makeup gods that I'll never again use anything other than L'Oreal or Lancome liquids if these horrible bumps will just go away.
• While the makeup purchase seems to have been a disaster, another recent purchase has proven to be a stunning and massive success. In fact, it has made me feel (if not look) at least 10 years younger. That great buy is my new mattress set. It is the perfect level of firmness with exactly the right amount of padding. I have been well-rested, with no back or shoulder pain (which were an every day annoyance), since it was delivered on Saturday. And all that at such a great savings. It's amazing what I saved buying from a regional manufacturer whose quality is equal to but whose prices are much, much lower than the national manufacturers due to less invested in marketing and logistical costs. Best $500 I ever spent.
• On the romance front, I had no plans for Valentine's Day. First, that's because it fell in the middle of the week during a blizzard/ice storm. And second, I'm not in what I'd consider a "romance" with any of the men I'm currently seeing. If I had to categorize these relationships, I'd probably characterize them as "friends with benefits." I don't want to be in love but I do want to be with people who I like and with whom I can have a satisfying sexual experience without the drama of romance. If I've learned nothing else recently, I've certainly learned that, in order for me to be mentally and emotionally healthy, I need to be sexually satisfied. Right now, I am. At least, I am mostly. I am certainly open to more and wish some of them would be a bit more adventurous, but I am content. Mo has been appearing regularly the last few weeks. Ron is flying north to see me the next two weekends. And Lee and I are still operating on pure pheromones when he's in town. And, honestly, he's the one I need a regular dose of because he's the one, so far, who has been most open to my suggestions to make things more interesting. I don't think I've shocked him yet but I also haven't suggested some of my more unonventional ideas either. Perhaps I will at some point, but I'm also keeping the channels open in order to catch the right vibe from anyone else I may come across. I'm liking being so adventurous (while always being safe in every way) and I wish I'd known and acted on this part of me long before I did. It would have changed a lot of things about my life if I had. I don't have regrets but I do wonder how different things would have been. Ah well! At least I have figured it out. And my lack of desire for marriage finally makes complete sense to me, if not anyone else. I am not a naturally monogomous person and will never find happiness by limiting my sexual options as most people seem to need to do. My friendships fulfill my emotional needs and the lack of commitment to one person at the expense of all others satisfies my mental need for freedom and adventure. I am essentially selfish when it comes to sex and the relationships that come with it. I'm finally comfortable with acknowledging that. And so, with that affirmation, I wish myself--and you, my bloggy friends--a belated happy Valentine's Day.

Notes from the Freezer

• It is fucking cold. Not just cold cold. Fucking bone chilling, mind numbing, crazy ass cold. As in I don't want to go out of the house. In fact, I don't want to get out of bed. The weathercasters here say it's been about 9 years since it's been this cold. I just knew we were going to pay a heavy price for 60 and 70 F temperatures in December and January. Damn.
• This all comes at one of my busiest times of the year, too. I did a workshop on campus on Saturday. And I have one tonight, one tomorrow, and one Thursday. That makes at least 3 days of work this week during which I will, at the very least, work 13-14 hours. And it doesn't quit for another month and a half. I'm getting too old for this shit.
• Make it two weeks in a row that Mo has come, hunting me down. I don't get him. I really, really don't. Hot and cold with him for more than twenty years. I can't make head or tails of it.
• More and more I get good at the things, usually stupid things, that Tom used to do for me. I'm inordinately proud of changing my windshield wipers all by myself. Took me a while to make head or tails of the so-called installation directions (diagrams too small to be detailed and no words whatsoever). But, after several false starts, lots of staring at the directions, fifteen minutes of frustration, and a lot of motivation from the cold, the whole thing finally came together and within two minutes I had both of them on and functioning. My hands, by that point, were a whole other story however. Took another half hour inside to thaw them out.
• The only real investment in screentime I had in the Super Bowl this year was the half-time show. Prince is just as weird and wonderful as ever. He still mesmerizes me. And the guitar riff in "Purple Rain" kicks ass as much as ever, too.
• I'm getting a new mattress delivered on Saturday. This is going to be the biggest relief, ever. Ever since I moved out from Tom's and took the guest room bedroom furniture with me, I've been sleeping on the old, saggy mattress and box springs that were at least five years old when I moved in with him. So that would make them...what?...25 years old??????? No wonder my back and shoulder are sore all the time. Took me about 3 weeks of shopping, on line and in person, to find what I wanted at a price I could live with, but it wasn't easy. The sticker shock I got since the last time I shopped for one was a surprise. And I have to say that the memory foam ones I tried are the biggest ripoff I can imagine. I could go to the local craft shop, buy a big hunk of foam, and put that on my old box springs and be more comfortable and pay more than $1000 less for it. Horrible, overpriced stuff. I don't get the whole idea of a pillowtop, either. I would never buy a mattress I couldn't flip. No way. I ended up getting one from a local manufacturer who can custom make it according to your choice in padding, upholstery, and number of coils. And I'm paying at least $300 to 500 less than what I'd be paying for a Sealy or other name brand. I was just shocked by the prices. I can't have anything other than a double in my apartment (too many odd angles, stairs, and low ceilings) and thought I'd not be looking at anything higher priced than about $600. Obviously, I didn't know how things in the world of bedding have changed. The local people I finally purchased from told me they could have made me a queen because they can custom make a queen box spring in two pieces just like a king. But I decided not to despite the only slightly higher price. It's usually just me in that bed and I don't want anything so vast it makes me lonely. And any men I allow to sleep there will just have to cuddle or go home. Most of the time? I hope they go home. As long as they wait until I fall asleep.
• If I must hibernate, I sure hope TV gets better. Right now, I'm loving Heroes. I just can't get enough of it and I'm more and more intrigued by the week. 24 started out as a bit of a disappointment (though the nuclear blast was pretty spectacular) because it seemed a bit stale. But, as of last night's episode, I'm hooked once again. Guess we all now know how Jack became such an emotionally damaged badass. And much as I like James Cromwell as an actor, it would have rocked if Donald had been able to play evil Dad. Lost is finally back with what I have heard is a (finally!!!!!) pivotal episode. The early half of the season had me losing patience. But, if what I've been promised is true, I may get snapped right back into fanatic mode. Reality tv, meanwhile, has been losing its luster for me. No Project Runway, with the pale imitation Top Design taking its and Top Chef's spot. Meh. Survivor: Figi begins, hopefully with the new twist making things more personality driven and interesting. But I have only small hope that it will. All-Star TAR should be entertaining if for no other reason than Romber and the consternation they cause to everyone, racers and audience alike. Hopefully, they perform as well or better than they did the last time, just because it will keep me cackling and entertained for months.
• Looking forward to Ron heading north again in two weeks. Hopefully, the weather will improve or he's going to go into absolute shock. And, if he thinks it's bad here, wait until he has to head up to Erie, where his headquarters is located. Pittsburgh will seem cozy by comparison.
• Cowards, those Senate Republicans, aren't they? Pussies, pansies, panderers, and pretenders. Even Hilary looks courageous in comparison. And that's no compliment meant to Mrs. Clinton, just that Senate Republicans (with probably the lone exception of Sen. Hagel) have chosen to side with caution or their farthest right wing crazies or plain stupidity against the wishes of the vast majority of the American people, including not just Democrats, but Independents and those lonely and ignored libertarian Republicans. I mean, as a Democrat, I'm ashamed of how Joe Lieberman calls himself a Democrat while prancing about in his love slave of George Bush getup. But the Republicans don't even have the backbone to tell the right wing crazies and this thoroughly discredited administration to stick their surge up their asses. Lieberman makes me nauseous, but John Warner, Lindsay Graham, and John McCain make me throw up. They know this is wrong, they know a thing or two about actually serving (unlike anyone currently in the White House), and they know all of America would be behind them in making this administration accountable for this fiasco in Iraq. Disgusting. And these people have the temerity call people like me who want nothing more than to see the troops come home safely and to be used only in situations and with plans that have a reasonable expectation of being successful "not supportive of the troops." Bullshit. I support the troops, always. I want them to have a comprehendable mission, such as in Afghanistan where the real fight against terrorism is being waged. I want them to have the materiel to be able to successfully fight. I want them to protect America's actual strategic interests and allies when actually threatened. I want them to have the power and authority that the Powell Doctrine, with its insistence on overwhelming force and broadbased alliances, promises. I want them to fight the good fight, not the fight of one sleazy and deluded bunch of ethnic and religious provacateurs against the opposite sleazy and deluded bunch of ethnic and religious provacateurs. I want them to have the support of our defense contractors, not have to deal with the results of their war profiteering. What Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and their congressional allies have done to our armed forces and our country's prestige is the exact opposite of supporting the troops and respecting their and their families' sacrifices. I'm so ashamed of my country's actions and our leaders right now, I cannot even begin to articulate it. And my anger at their arrogance knows no bounds.