Glad to Know I'm Not the Only One

So...I want to post something more interesting than that little spate of negativity in my life today you can find below.

And what better way to get out of a negative state of mind than sex? I certainly can't think of any.

Just so I can give proper attibution, the link to the article that set me off on this little tangent is here:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2003/06/030613075252.htm

One of the things that has been much on my mind lately is the idea of experimentation. Heaven knows, I've been doing enough of it lately with Ron and Lee. And what I've learned is that all the old hangups I used to have are just stupid. I used to be afraid to try certain things or I convinced myself I didn't like certain things I'd never even tried. The consequences of that are that I didn't enjoy lovemaking as much or as fully as I should. The lesson I've taken away is to relax about how it may look or what other people may think (like I ever really discussed it with anyone!) about the things you do in bed. And to not dismiss anything out of hand because you'd be surprised at what sounds horrible but actually feels wonderful.

But I haven't quite gotten beyond all my hangups. So I've been doing a little research on one thing I've been contemplating. Not that I'm sure I actually want to do it, but because I have recently found myself aroused by the idea of it and wondered where it was coming from. And I think the article I've linked sort of gives me an explanation and a way to feel non-conflicted about the feeling. It's biological and it's apparently normal for a woman. Whew!

Let me set the stage a little. I've always been a fan of erotic literature. I own a small but excellent collection of books and short story compilations of erotic fiction. I have the older classics such as Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley's Lover, and The Satyricon. I also have more modern works such as Ulysses, The Story of O, Delta of Venus, and Lolita. And even more contemporary works are on my erotica shelf, including Nine Weeks and The Sleeping Beauty trilogy. I have several compilations of erotic novellas and literally dozens of compilations of erotic short stories, several of which are written by women specifically for women. It is this last that has recently both intrigued and repelled me.

What I've found is a tendency in erotica written by women for women to have relatively equal measures of heterosexual and homosexual imagery. And that the homosexual imagery includes not just woman/woman imagery (which would make sense because it would appeal to gay women) but male/male, also.

Now, in the past, I would just skip over any homosexual parts in anything I was reading. I figured, I'm not gay so I can't possibly get aroused by that. And I totally didn't get why there would be any male/male stuff in there at all. However, since undergoing therapy, I have tried to open myself up to new experiences and recently began reading these stories. Surprise! I find it just as hot as the hetero stuff, sometimes even more so. And I wasn't totally comfortable with those feelings, which led me to do some research and to the cited article.

Which leads me back to what I'm contemplating. I know I'm not gay and I'm not interested in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship strictly with a woman. But I do find myself fantasizing about having sex with both a man and a woman. Or two men. But preferably one of each. I'm starting to think I could relax and enjoy being with a woman in that scenario. And, heaven knows, I'm curious about what it would be like to be with a woman. If nothing else, the learning curve surely wouldn't be as steep. I'm still sufficiently freaked out enough by this fantasy to know that if I ever act on it, I will have to be more than a little bit drunk. But there are a couple of couples I know out there who, I think, wouldn't scoff at the idea. I don't know that I will ever act on this impulse. And I certainly won't be the one to propose it. But I'm not sure what I'll do if it is proposed to me.

But I am glad that I am open enough with myself these days to actually read the stories, try to discover why I was feeling the way I felt, and to actually contemplate such a thing. It's just one more sign for me that I had too many boundaries and too many taboos. It's one more set of shackles I've managed to unlock and one more step toward being the free spirit I've always aspired and believed myself to be.