I'm Tired

I'm tired of...

• Working so hard for so little. Little money because they only gave us 2% raises this year. Little appreciation because no one but my direct supervisor ever says thank you or good job. Little understanding because students and parents don't understand that I have to say no so often not because I want to but because I don't have any choice.
• Eating by myself. I grew up in a very large family in which the evening meal was a command performance. Food, for me, has always been as much a social occasion as a gastronomical one. I love to cook on weekends and, when Tom and I were still together, would invite friends over all the time for dinner and fun. In the last year, I have had a guest or guests for dinner exactly three times. And it just doesn't pay to cook for myself very often. I made chili the other night just for me. It tasted great, but it just didn't taste the same as when I have someone with whom to share it.
• Losing friends. More and more, the social circle in which I find myself gets smaller and younger. My couple friends dumped me long ago because I was no longer part of a couple. My boating friends dumped me long ago because I no longer have a boat. My girlfriends of my own age have been dropping away one by one for no discernable reason. Don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful group of friends all over the country who lift me and keep me going, but I only really know them from cyberspace. I also have a small group of IRL friends who get me out of the apartment every weekend whether I want to or not. They're great and I love them dearly but they are all so much younger and less jaded that I sometimes wonder why they even want to hang around an old woman like me. But they do. So, thanks Kristen, Paul, Amy, Joe, Sully, and Chad. Without you, I'm not sure I'd have any friends at all.
• Talking politics. Too many of my IRL friends and most of my cyberfriends don't like to talk about it. They find it too divisive and are uncomfortable with vigorous debate. I'll say one thing for Tom. He was good to talk to about politics, knowledgable and opinionated. We had great discussions about whatever was happening. And we didn't always agree, but we never had hard feelings or real fights over it. Right now, the only IRL person with whom I can have such discussions and who I find to be surprisingly knowledgable is my young friend, Kristen. A big smooch for Kristen for being so smart at such a tender age.
• Sleeping alone. Yeah, I know. I have had an active sex life and it's been great getting the affirmation of my continued desirability from young studs. But...I've kind of lost my desire for fucking young guys with whom I don't really feel an emotional intimacy. I miss feeling real intimacy. The kind you have when you sleep together, not just have sex together. An OT thread about kissing in the morning really put this in focus for me. I miss going to sleep with a male body beside me, feeling the differences between my skin and the rougher textured and distinctly musky smelling man skin. I miss feeling small and protected and warm, encircled by muscular arms around me as I drop off into slumber. I miss entwining my smooth legs with the soft fuzziness of unshaved ones. I miss feeling comfortable enough to be wakened by a deep, deep kiss (and perhaps more) in the morning before I've brushed my teeth. I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to do it every night. But I want that once in a while.